The loud roar of Deadmau5 pumped through my veins as I danced on the black pleather booth with my two girlfriends. It was Saturday night and Old Town Scottsdale was packed with college girls using fake IDs, getting hit on by newly single men in their 40’s while the most attractive bartenders overcharged them for basic-ass lemon drop shots.

“You guys wanna do molly tonight?” my friend asked casually as she refilled our vodka sodas at the table.

I wasn’t drunk enough to agree yet, but I wasn’t bold enough to opt-out if my friends did it, so I leaned over and said, “from who!?” as if I was so eager to get my hands on one of the capsuled pills.

“John!  He’s serving at Myst tonight and said he can get us up to VIP to see Benny Benassi…” she offered coolly.

Okay, wait, yes, of course I wanted to go see Benny fucking Benassi – the guy’s a legend.

“Dude, why didn’t you tell us earlier?!” Jess punched Sasha in the arm playfully.  “Hell yeah, we want to roll our faces off to Benny!”  I was mildly terrified as the only drug I’d done at that point was weed, but the alcohol in my system convinced me our fate was solidified, and not long after, we were in front of the bar at Myst, in our under-sized, skin-tight dresses getting a tan-colored capsule that looked oh so innocent.

“Make sure you guys drink a ton of water!” John yelled over the vibrating EDM, handing each of us a Fiji, “you know you can easily overheat on this shit…” he paused to watch each of us take the pill.  “Have fun!”

I felt the smooth edge run down my throat as I swallowed the cold water, buzzing off the three drinks we downed at the first club.

“Come on, let’s go upstairs!” Sasha grabbed our hands and lead us to the buff security guard who she greeted with an overly friendly hug.

He unhooked the velvet rope and slapped her ass before we made our way up the dark carpeted stairs, inching closer to the DJ booth where Benassi was preparing to start his set.  He must’ve been in his mid 40’s but at 19, I was still extremely attracted to him.  Maybe it was the round glasses he wore, or maybe it was the confidence… I didn’t have time to think about it as we were suddenly snatched into a booth by another muscley security guard in all black.

“This way, ladies!” he gestured his hands towards three thirty-something men that were all shockingly handsome.

It was 11:55 and I was chugging water like it was my job, so worried I would overheat and die on the sticky, booze-stained floor of Myst nightclub.  The drug hadn’t hit me yet, but I was definitely tipsy and inclined to keep drinking as I watched the big-boobed waitress pour Redbull into the Belvedere sitting at the bottom of three plastic cups.

“You girls want anything?” she looked up as she handed the men their drinks.  Before responding, they advised her to make us the same thing, which was fine.  If anything, we could dump it in a trash can while we downed water.

We did a cheers with our neon-yellow beverages before introducing ourselves.  Fortunately, we didn’t have to partake in any small talk; the star of the night jumped on the mic and screamed, “WHAT THE FUCK IS UP, SCOTTSDALE!?” which of course prompted the entire club to respond with a resounding, ‘WOOOOOOO!’

Sasha put her arms around me and Jess and at that very moment, I felt my entire body light up.

‘Satisfaction’ came on like a dagger through every fiber of my being as Benny called out again, “LET’S FUCKING RAGE!” Liquid nitrogen poured from the ceiling onto the dance floor, immediately cooling everyone’s altered state.  I looked around and wondered how many people were drug-induced and then quickly put it out of my mind as each sound radiated in my chest and touched every piece of my insides; my body temperature started rising in the best way and I ran my hand across Sasha’s back as she did the same to ours.

“Are you feeling this?!” I shouted as my hips moved back and forth to the beat; I never wanted to stop dancing.  They both just smiled and I watched their pupils enlarge.

I had no idea whether the attractive dudes knew what was going on, but of course, no part of them would mind three girls rolling at their table.

As the night went on, each song blurred into the next as our bodies kept moving without hesitation.

“Keep drinking water!” Sasha reminded us every ten minutes as we grinded on our handsome strangers.  I felt my jaw continue to clench but couldn’t stop biting down; the pressure of my teeth against each other was euphoric and my brain felt so much love for every moment I was experiencing, I never wanted the night to end.

At 1:50 in the morning, there was a final call for drink orders as the clubs in Arizona close at 2.  I was nowhere near ready to go home – in fact, we were all just peaking.  Instead of panicking, we put our heels back on and made our way downstairs, touching every surface along the way, letting it electrify our souls.

Naturally, Sasha made out with the bouncer that slapped her ass earlier in the night, which only lasted briefly as he had to navigate traffic in the still overly packed nightclub.

“I have to pee so bad!” I realized aloud while heading towards the bathroom through the sea of sweat, allowing myself to absorb everyone’s positive energy.

There was a single stall available and it was made for me; just sitting on the disgusting toilet seat felt like heaven, and then releasing my bladder… forget it.  How had I never taken this drug before?  Why weren’t people shouting from the rooftops about it?  I genuinely felt so much love for myself, everything around me, and everyone I’d ever known.

We stared at ourselves in the mirror for who knows how long, amazed by how large our eyes looked and how sweaty we were.  We had enough of our faculties that we managed to dab our faces with powder and reapply lipgloss before heading back to John.

He just smiled – he knew the kind of night we were having thanks to him.

“There’s an after-party at Fire House I can meet you at once I close!” he offered while quickly arranging the vodka section.

Obviously, we were at Fire House within five minutes, appreciating the new dark atmosphere with a lesser-known DJ.  As we danced our way towards a booth, I locked eyes with an actual angel.  I’d seen him bartending before when he wouldn’t let me pay for my drinks, and I, in turn, did not give him my number because… well, because I was nervous he’d find out I was underage.

Needless to say, there were no nerves this time.  I walked straight up to him, grabbed his chiseled jaw with dirty-blond stubble, and pressed my lips against his with ease.  The tingles on my mouth shot down my body and told me I wanted to do more than kiss.  I pressed into him and felt his hand run down my lower back as he pulled me closer.

“Well damn,” he started, looking down with a smile, “hello.”

“Can we go somewhere?” I asked confidently; I was dying to be touched all over by this gorgeous specimen.

He laughed as he looked at my pupils, realizing I was rolling.  Fortunately, though, he was too – he’d also been at Myst earlier so we were on the same exact wavelength, ready to ride it together.

“God, yes,” he literally picked me up like he was a fireman saving me from a burning building, which is fitting seeing as we were at Fire House.

We made it to his house in less than ten minutes and the air conditioner in his bedroom pierced my skin like little butterflies as he undressed hastily.  His hands started on my ankles and his smooth fingers slid their way up my shins like they were magic.  Each movement seemed to shoot serotonin into my heart and his lips had quickly become a magnet for mine.

I never knew this type of pleasure was possible.  Every part of me felt love, wholeness, and gratitude as we explored each other for hours.

We finally drifted off around 6 am, with our legs intertwined and my head in his neck; it was actual bliss.

I woke up a mere three hours later as the sunlight was blaring on my sweat-covered forehead.  The euphoria I felt for six hours was depleted, as was my love for life.  My muscles were tight, my brain felt heavy, and there seemed to be a gray sheen over my thoughts.

I looked over to see the hot bartender’s leg folded over the white blanket and sheets and immediately felt shame wash over me; I could actually smell the sweat leaking from my pores and wanted to puke.  I grabbed the green water bottle on the IKEA nightstand and finished it with ease.

“Good morning, beautiful” he whispered which caused me to jump back.

“Oh my god, you scared me,” my brows furrowed as I looked over.  “I feel like actual death.”

“Yep, that tends to happen,” he offered, “have you never taken ecstasy before?”

“Nope,” I responded solemnly as I rubbed my temples, “do you have any more water?”

He laughed and sprung up, kissing the top of my head before heading towards the kitchen, fully nude.  I was confused as to why he didn’t seem to feel the same sense of dread I did, or maybe he’d done it enough to mentally prepare for the comedown.  Either way, I was unwell and just wanted to be home in my bed, under the covers, with the blinds closed over every window.

He begrudgingly drove me home after I declined his offer to get breakfast for the fifth time.  My brain swirled with negative thoughts as I sat in his silver Lexus; I contemplated every decision I’d made in life to get to such a low point, despite his persistence that I would be back to normal the next day.

Once I got home, I couldn’t sleep so I grabbed a box of Wheat Thins and sat in the living room watching re-runs of Friends.

The next day came for which I was unwaveringly thankful; my brain seemed to re-set and I could appreciate the roller coaster ride that was my first real drug experience.  As I was a mere 19 years old, I had a few more rendezvous with my friend, Molly, but my mom always told me to try everything in moderation… and I’ve always been a good student.

Alas, I am here, with all my faculties and emotions (mostly) in check.  Would I try MDMA again some day?  Sure I would, in the right setting, without alcohol, and without ANY responsibiliites lined up for a solid 48 hours afterwards.  Like seriously, not even a Starbucks run.

Drug safely, my friends.

Devon Herrera lives in Phoenix, Arizona. She is the Vice President of a behavioral health billing company and serves on the board for a non-profit.  She writes the blog, Coffee With A Question



MDMA, or methylenedioxy-methamphetamine, commonly known as ecstasy (E) or molly, is a psychoactive drug primarily used for recreational purposes.  It has a similar chemical make-up to hallucinogens and stimulants . The desired effects include altered sensations, increased energy, empathy, as well as pleasure due to spikes in dopamine, serotonin, and norepinephrine. When taken by mouth, effects begin in 30 to 45 minutes and last 3 to 6 hours.

Users have reported involuntary teeth-clenching, sweating, chills, blurred vision and, at times, nausea.  Following use, people often feel depressed and tired.

People who use MDMA usually take it as a capsule or tablet, though some swallow it in liquid form or snort the powder. The popular nickname Molly (slang for “molecular”) often refers to the supposedly “pure” crystalline powder form of MDMA, usually sold in capsules.

Partly due to the global supply shortage of sassafras oil—a problem largely assuaged by use of improved or alternative modern methods of synthesis—the purity of substances sold as molly have been found to vary widely. Many are cut with a variety of substances including ketamine, methamphetamine or synthetic cathinones, commonly known as bath salts.

Sources: Wikipedia, National Institute on Drug Abuse; National Institutes of Health; U.S. Department of Health and Human Services.