By Vladimir Putin, as told to and translated by the Russian scholar, David Rock
Note to Reader: On October 4th, 2022, Vladimir Putin called the renowned Russian scholar David Lawrence Rock III, emeritus, from the Kremlin. During the following conversation President Putin relayed that he had recently consumed an edible cannabis gummy worm and wanted his tripped-out thoughts shared with the American people. These are Putin’s words as spoken to this column on the date specified.
Hey yo, Professor Rock! It’s your most erudite troglodyte Muscovite, your friend and dictator, the man they call “Borscht in Show,” Vladimir Putin. But today, you can call me Big Daddy Vladdy because to celebrate all my triumphs in Ukraine I have decided to ingest a black-hearted-flavored gummy worm loaded with 600mg of sativa cannabis. Wowee Zowee! Does this stuff work, or what?
As you know, usually I’m a Mr. Saturday Night party animal loaded on vodka and magic shrooms, but sometimes mixed-up times call for mixing it up. And since I’m currently higher than a cross on the Kremlin dome… Well, I may as well confess I really took the marijuana gummy worm because Vladdy is feeling a tad bit saddy these days. And because worms are my favorite animal, obviously.
In truth, I’ve had a bad week. On a scale of one to ten, it’s a Chernobyl. And what’s really got me triggered is this Ukraine situation. Hmmn. ‘Triggered’ is a good word for it, dah? I mean, six months ago, before I launched the wide-scale invasion of Ukraine, it was more of a ‘You say Ukraine, I say My-kraine, let’s call the whole thing off,’ song-and-dance routine. Now the whole thing’s a migraine and to hear it from some people, I look like a real Donbas for even going in without provocation. (Oh, you know I’m baked pretty solid when the Donbas jokes come out!)
But you have to understand, I see provocation in territorial wars as a luxury, like my secret super yacht. Ah, if I could only sail away my troubles on that sweet, sweet Scheherazade o’ mine.
Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I’m clinically depressed, like ninety percent of Gen Z (Generation Pussy Riot, if you ask me), it’s just ever since the invasion there have been some very rude and unkind things said about yours and truly. Words like “mass murderer,” “evil fascist,” and even “old bald man” have been bandied about like so much hate-speech. Really, I feel every time I turn on the cable news (outside of Russia) every babushka agitprop station is airing re-runs of the ‘Everybody Hates Vlad’ show 24-to-the-7. Talk about a program I’d like to cancel.
I mean, come on, why am I the one taking the hardcore haterade shower these days? People are acting like I was the one who shot Lady Gaga’s dogwalker and dognapped her two French Bulldogs. Or, as if I, Vladimir, was that despicable actress that dared to dress up in a fat-suit and portray Linda Tripp without being plus-sized in real life? You’re all acting as if I killed the Queen of England herself. Wait, did I kill the Queen of England myself? Mmmmn, not that you know of, tee-hee-hee. Oh, my Putin, I only tee-hee-hee when I’m super-high. Linda Tripp? What a Cannabaniskikov trip rad Vlad is on today!
But you see the point, dah? What did I do that was so bad? All I did was invade a country I’d invaded in 2014 with barely a clap-back or even a holler-back at the time. I thought the West would just think of this bigger invasion as kind of like an Invasion+. Yes, Invasion+, a streaming channel that I added as a compulsory add-on to the previous programming invasion package for just an extra $50 billion and 60,000 casualties and counting.
And may I also add how ridiculous all you Americans look hoisting up all those bilious blue and white flags, when you couldn’t so much as find Ukraine on a map a mere six months ago. See, all I wanted to do with Invasion+ was wipe Ukraine off the map to spare you the trouble of having to find it at all. Shame on Putin for trying to make American life more convenient for once. I’ll bet all the vodka in the gutter of Gorky Park you never thought of it that way before. Am I right? So, really what I should be saying is, “your welcome.”
While I’m rolling, another thing I would like to be thanked for is one of Russia’s most iconic writers, Count Leo Tolstoy. From what I have heard about his free-thinking ways, he seems like an auteur I would have really enjoyed poisoning. But I did once read his book, “War and Peace.” Well, to be honest, I only actually read the “War…” part of the book. And then after I got through all the juicy warring bits, I’m half-ashamed to say I put it down and masturbated all over a topographical map of Ukraine. Never came back to the book after that. Oh well, maybe someday I’ll come back to it, or on it.
Whatever. Oh, holy glasnost, this reefer gummy is making me madness. Hey, General! No bombs on Kharkiv for the next seventeen minutes. I’m still on the upswing here! And I can hear you in the back joking about how CBD really stands for Completely Bad Decision. Knock it off, Yakkov Smirnoff!
But seriously, you think I like shelling cities filled with civilians? You think I like to leave mass graves across a countryside where half the population are Russian speakers? You think I like to starve children across the world by blocking wheat exports from leaving the Baltic? Well, of course I like it, I like it very much so. But those acts are not atrocities. And I don’t want to sound like I’m doing a ‘But her e-mails’ kind of thing here, but…
The real atrocity is that these international zalupas stole my motherfucking super-yacht and got away with it. That is an atrocity. I’m the true victim here! And did I mention this gummy worm edible I took is completely vegan? No gelatin, no pig hooves, nyet. No animals were harmed in the making of this stoned lunatic rant. So, I am good victim person who deserves to keep his yacht, right?
Yes, because I had very good reason to invade Ukraine. And since I’m wasted on edibles, I’ll admit I did Invasion+ not because of NATO infringement, nor because the Ukrainian government is made up of Nazis. (And you thought I was high when I came up with that one!) In fullness of disclosure, I invaded Ukraine — because I was bored. Yes, bored. And here’s where you really must look at it from the Big Daddy Vladdy Pooty-Poot perspective:
You see, I have been in power since the turn of the century and done so many wonderful things. One graceful flourish after another. You must think what it feels like after you’ve pilfered your own country, a Motherland the size of 25 Texas-es, looted it for all its best resources and doled the goods out to your best bootlicking oligarchs; after you’ve assassinated your enemies with exotic poisons (including the use of Plutonium-210 out of one of our finest nuclear facilities); after you’ve murdered or terrified all the dissenters into silence or exile; after you’ve turned Grozny and Aleppo into rubble; after you’ve held a blingy Winter Olympics paid for in blood and still gotten near-perfect attendance; after you interfered with the elections of the biggest Democracy in the world on multiple occasions; after you’ve gotten Europe addicted to your gas and oil production to the point where they’re afraid to say jack shit; after you’ve literally sent your biggest political rival to a Siberian prison camp when you couldn’t quite poison him to death on a commercial airline; after you’ve let your own soldiers drown on a broken-down lemon of a submarine 350 feet at the bottom of the Barents Sea; after you’ve made Sarah Palin see you from her house. After doing all that, how could you, how could I, how could anyone, not be bored of doing more of the same ole same ole Putin parlor games?
Me, six months ago, was like as if Gargamel had finally captured and eaten every last Smurf in Smurf Village. What is left for Gargamel to do after engorging on all the Smurfs? Surely, he must Smurf out something bigger and better and diabolical at scale because he has had all the Smurf he can eat and gotten away with it all at the international community’s Smurf-a-smorgasbord for so many years! (Yes, when I start with the Smurf-speak I am definitely all Smurfed up on some Smurfy gummy weed!).
Don’t hate me for wanting to do something more meaningful with my career. Don’t judge me for not wanting to make the donuts for my remaining years, churning out all the usual chaos and murder. Invading a whole other country on Europe’s doorstep (Invasion+) may be a lot of things, but boring it is not. And that, that is why I invaded Ukraine! At this point I would say put that in your pipe and smoke it, except these delightful edibles really are much preferred to anything that damages the lungs or respiratory system in general.
Again, I don’t mean to deflect here, but if a certain orange comrade of mine were still President, would we even be having this conversation? I’ll bet you twenty rubles that he would have made the point that when it comes to Russia and Ukraine – there are very fine people on both sides. Yes, both sides. Then he would have given me the missiles and drones and I would finally given him back the kompromat pee tape. In such a case, the city of Kiev would be proudly known today as St. Putingrad and everybody could have their grain and eat it, too.
Even though he is no longer in power, I do want to give a shout out to my compromised bestie for keeping those nuclear documents safe for me in the Mar-a-Lago safe. (Or, as I call it, the Kremlin of the South.) It is truly a good friend who keeps on sharing (national secrets) even when he is stuck in a shit hole country like Florida. With that said, my cold heart goes out to everyone affected by Hurricane Ian.
And now, dear Professor Rock, swirly Hurricane Vlad is about to climax for his finish. I’m going to stick this splash-less landing like Rodney the Dangermouse stuck The Triple Lindy in Back to School. Great stoner cinema by the way. Big recommend.
Nevertheless, let me conclude with this story: when I was a young tchotchke, my father, his name was Igor, realized my true nature. And he once told me, ‘Vlad, my son, you cannot go poisoning your way out of all of life’s problems.’ And maybe, as it turns out, he was right. Or, maybe I poisoned him for talking like such a big, fat pussinski. And maybe it’s not the THC talking when I say that you, America, do not get to cancel the Vladimir Putin Show. I’m not going off the air that easy. I’m not surrendering like that sucker Raskolnikov. I’ll find a way to take Prague before I turn myself into The Hague. In my culture, I’m the only Canceller in Chief.
Keep in mind, many have said that Stalin is the one who made the biggest impact in Russian military history. Well, let me ask you this? Which father of the Motherland has taken on Ukraine, the whole Western world, plus the entire WNBA, including its many affiliates and sponsors, all at the same time. It’s me is the answer!
The West would be good to remember that Game of Thrones’ eventual king of Westeros was not crowned in the first season. You all think that show ended badly? Wait until you get to Season 8 of Game of Putin.
You think I’m retreating? No! You’ll see, in time I’ll be treating myself to more and more of Ukraine. And if not, you’re so certain I won’t press the button? That I won’t push all-in like Teddy KGB after an all-night Matt Damon hold’em bender? I already told you what happens when I get bored. Imagine the dragon Vlad bored, cornered, humiliated… and all out of gummies.
David Rock has written for film, magazines, reality television, and even at one time (gasp) the WWE. He is the author of the hit play GRAND DELUSION and the Co-Executive Producer of ” American Gangster:Trap Queens” on BET. His new play MASTERS OF PUPPETS will debut next year. He believes in vices, but not viceroys.